It's a Mental Thing

La Tuna Canyon has been haunting me for a year.  And if you have no idea why, see this post from the old blog.  Basically, we rode La Tuna near the end of my training last year, and I was so sick, so sore and so in denial that it was the WORST ride ever AND it was about 90 degrees or hotter and I got a sun burn/scar from that doozy of a day.  Until that day I had never cried about exercise.  But I did that day.  So, after reading The Post and listening to that short story, you might understand why I was nervous and scared all week long.  I saw the words LA TUNA and proceeded to decide that I was going to die and Ariana and Marc were going to have to call 911 and tell them I was a pussy (sorry Mom...I don't really know another word to substitute here.  Please don't call me AUTUMN ROSEY in your Mom Voice.).

But don't worry, they called me a pussy before the ride even started.  Such good cycling friends I have.

So Friday night I carbed up and got some sleep and tried not to think about dying on the side of the road with the dirty diapers.  Fortunately (or unfortunately) it wasn't raining on Saturday morning so I picked up Ariana (late, obviously) and headed to Griffith Park.  We rode with some of my favorite characters, so at least I knew that if I kicked the bucket and/or threw my bike over a cliff, I was in good and capable hands.  On a sidenote, besides raising awareness and money for HIV/AIDS services, ALC has given me an entirely new group of friends that I would have never met otherwise; I LOVE spending time with all of them on the weekends. 

We rode about 20 miles before the dreaded canyon, and during this 20 miles Ariana, Marc and I (picture below; please note the fake smile on my face) came up with some super fabulous names for our super and extremely exclusive Team: Team More Popular, Team More Awesome, Team Don't Even Try To Talk To Us Because We're So Awesome, Team We Don't Have a Freaking Clue What We're Doing But Don't We Look Amazaing?....you get the picture....and plotting our not-so-much-of-a-vacation in Santa Barbara in a couple of weeks (more on that to come at a later time).  And then we climbed.

I will say that first, La Tuna is not nearly as dreadful when it is not boiling outside.  Second, I am getting stronger every day.  And third, I had an epiphany in the middle of La Tuna -- this whole riding thing is 99% mental.  I climbed La Tuna without stopping once!  I don't think I have ever actually climbed an entire canyon without stopping for water or to pep talk myself.  So yay for me!  AND, I was always riding faster than a fly flies....5mph....doesn't seem like a big deal to you, but as I was pedaling my way up this piece of sushi, I realized how sick I was last year.  How much my back affected me and how often I was laid up and coughing.  I also realized, despite trying to ignore this for the last 7 months, that I lost most of my muscle tone and strength by having to lay flat on my back for so long.  So riding doesn't come easy and exercise is painful and that's okay.  I realized that instead of trying to ignore that I haven't exercised for a year and ignoring that this is painful in a lot of ways, if I admit that I have a problem (maybe I'll start a 12 step program for back surgery recovery), getting over that problem becomes a lot less scary and a lot more satisfying.

And the more that I recognize that last year just wasn't my year and this year's training is going to be completely different, the more I can "forgive" myself for not being a super athlete and having to struggle.  I know how to struggle, I've done it before, and now I'm just going to have to work hard and get back to the point where my body doesn't scream everytime I push it.  My body screamed at me less this weekend, I think, so that's encouraging.

So, yay! I'm not scared of La Tuna anymore, and while I don't LOVE climbing some hills, I have the confidence that I CAN do it.  And even if I can't do it quickly, it doesn't matter.  Because ALC isn't about winning or being fast or being the best (although all of those things are still awesome), ALC is about helping Tim and the other Pos Peds, and all of those people benefitting from the LA Gay & Lesbian Center.  And the more I focus on that, and the more that I realize the struggles that I'm facing are substantially mental battles and can be overcome with hardwork and perserverance and awareness, the more I enjoy being on my bike and the more I feel accomplished at the end of the day.

~Autumn
http://www.tofighthiv.org/site/TR/AIDSLIFECYCLE10/AIDSLifeCycleCenter?px=2437062&pg=personal&fr_id=1330

Marc, Ariana & Me.  Notice the bags under my eyes; again, why is cycling an early morning sport?? Somebody fix this immediately.